Friday, July 18, 2014

Are you who you are MEANT to be?

I must admit, ever since I got back from my California trip, I've been in a funk. Sure, I've kept up with my routines (writing at the YMCA, healthy eating and lifestyle, house stuff, hanging out with my kid), but something has just been off. I feel a lot of anxiety and overall just don't have the spark I usually have. My thoughts are muddy and time keeps slipping away before I've had a chance to do something meaningful.

Today, I woke up to these text messages from my sister:

Messages from my sister

Then it suddenly occured to me my life feels so BLAH right now because I am really struggling with my writing and my identity as a writer. The editing is going along okay but I am in a very difficult position where I see the finish line but I still have to run to it. I am exhausted and somewhat disappointed that two years have gone by but I have nothing to show for it. Yes, I've been busy writing a novel, but it came at a huge cost. I pretty much have cut all distractions out of my life so I feel left out of everything else that is going on around me. I've been living in a constant meditative state where I am not super up or down, just calm so I can hear the truths in my heart. My sister and I have come up with a good metaphor for where I'm at. Basically I've been pregnant this whole time and I am past my due date but there is still no baby. So I sort of don't believe the baby will ever come anymore because it's just taken so darn long. Thankfully, my sister recently went through childbirth so she is coaching me through this. The tables have turned and she is MY doula now.
Messages from my sister Messages from my sister Messages from my sister 

So yep, I'm at the point where I've gone in full tilt and am too committed to turn back but I still can't shake all the doubt that creeps into my mind each day. I can do what I've always done when the going gets tough (crumble at the pressure) or just keep working through it while enjoying the process as much as I can. I need to be forgiving toward myself (writing a novel is very very hard) and understand there is no race to finish. I've always been my worst enemy and I am against no one but me. I started this blog two years ago when an idea began to take form in my head. I was pulled toward a direction where I could once and for all fearlessly honor my creative and expressive self and I wanted to document the journey. The hardest thing about my life is admitting to myself who I am and what I want to do (what I am MEANT to do) with my time. Who I was meant to be. I am still answering those questions but I think I am getting closer to the real Christine every day that I wake up and continue writing.
Pulled a radish
I was weeding my garden last week and pulled out a radish.
We have a tomato
Tomatoes are growing.
Green beans
Green beans are flowering.
Good dinner
A new favorite dinner of mine: marinated chicken, peppers and mushrooms, rice, and massaged kale salad.
Butter coffee
Butter coffee...have you tried this yet? Yummy!
Edward writes his name
Edward can finally write his name.
After two years of having a chalk board wall that no one used, Edward finally draws on it!
Chocolate rice crispies
We made chocolate Rice Krispies treats.
I've added fermented cod liver oil to my health regime. I hope it will clear my skin, remineralize my teeth, and get rid of my pesky PMS symptoms.
Babes made dinner for us last night.
It was delicious.
And of course, I gotta have my tomato and cukes salad. MMM.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

30th Anniversary Vow Renewal

While we were in California, my parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary (on Father's Day, to be exact). It's all sorts of amazing that they have been married for that long and the greatest lesson I can learn from their relationship is the value and rewards that come from putting the greater good of the family over any individual's happiness. My sister, brother, and I know how lucky we are to have the most generous, hard-working, and unconditional parents in the universe. To have some fun with the day, we put on a simple vow renewal ceremony for them in their backyard. Enjoy the pics!

The flowers came from my mom's garden.
Fresh food for all.
I just love these roses.
A garden party.
The bride with her flower girl.
My greatest niece ever.
Matron of honor with the flower girl.
The wedding party minus the ring bearer.
Lovely gals.
The look of love.
Thirty long years, I'm sure.
New rings from very good friends in Hong Kong!
My son doesn't know how to pose for a pic without making a silly face.
Steve is the officiant.
We all laughed so hard during the ceremony. Lots of fun!
My son knows who he wants to be like when he grows up.
The ring bearer taking his job seriously.
Time to exchange them rings!
And it's all done all over again! Painless, right?
Happy dance. Btw, my younger brother (not pictured) was the DJ and musician (he played some violin for us).
Time to dig in and party!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Returning to my sleepy town.

We're back in NY! I had a really enjoyable time with my family but am even more excited to be home so I can dedicate the next 2-3 months to editing my novel manuscript. I spent time with my father working on my book while I was in Cali and we've identified three areas/sub-plots that need major reworking. A few years ago, this information would have sent my impatient arse into a tizzy and I would have emailed my query to agents anyway. But I know better now. Good things take lots of time to make so back to work for me! Here are pics from the rest of our trip...

My container garden
My garden back home has exploded! I think we went a bit overboard with the seeds to soil ratio...
Beef noodle soup
My mom's beef noodle soup. She is seriously the best cook I know.
Cousin kiss
My babes is so in love with his cousin.
Watering plants
Gardening for Poi Poi.
Old sac
We took a trip to Old Sacramento. Here is the boardwalk.
Old sac 2
Lobster pots for everyone!
More old sac 2
My brother came up from L.A. for a visit.
More old sac 2
Enjoying the nice weather.
Vow renewal
My parents had a vow renewal ceremony while we were there. Nice camera pics still in the works!
Vow renewal 2
After pleading and crying and begging Steve to help, he agreed to be their officiant.
Vow renewal 2
The maid of honor and the flower girl. I was the photographer and videographer and everything-pher.
More yum
Oh how I've missed my In-And-Out burger. Still my favorite burger hands down.
NorCal trip
Breakfast one day.
Paper play
Playing with a paper bag.
Paper play 2
Two minutes later...
Corinne visit 3
We had a play date with our friend V's beautiful daughter C. Love and miss them!!
Corinne visit 4
We took the party outside. They kids look like they are having so much fun lol.
Things of my youth
Sesame ball soup.
Things of my youth
Time to declutter my old bedroom. My dad drew the picture on the left when he was a little boy. The one on the right is my very first painting.
Things of my youth
Dug up some old t-shirts I drew for high school. Forgot I was so into designing them. Guess I could hold onto them for now.
Garden 2
Summer solstice beauty.
Garden 2
My mother's strawberry basket.
Edward does yoga
My babes is into yoga because I am. Here is his downward dog.
Edward does yoga
And child's pose.
Wisteria beauty
My mom's wisteria that she shaped into a tree.
Stroller 3
Time to send Lake off to SoCal. Sob!
Stroller 2
But not before one last tickle!
Stroller 3
Babes took stroller duty very seriously.
Goodbye baby
Family squeeze.
Goodbye baby
Babes and I comparing feet at the airport.