I must admit, ever since I got back from my California trip, I've been in a funk. Sure, I've kept up with my routines (writing at the YMCA, healthy eating and lifestyle, house stuff, hanging out with my kid), but something has just been off. I feel a lot of anxiety and overall just don't have the spark I usually have. My thoughts are muddy and time keeps slipping away before I've had a chance to do something meaningful.
Today, I woke up to these text messages from my sister:
Then it suddenly occured to me my life feels so BLAH right now because I am really struggling with my writing and my identity as a writer. The editing is going along okay but I am in a very difficult position where I see the finish line but I still have to run to it. I am exhausted and somewhat disappointed that two years have gone by but I have nothing to show for it. Yes, I've been busy writing a novel, but it came at a huge cost. I pretty much have cut all distractions out of my life so I feel left out of everything else that is going on around me. I've been living in a constant meditative state where I am not super up or down, just calm so I can hear the truths in my heart. My sister and I have come up with a good metaphor for where I'm at. Basically I've been pregnant this whole time and I am past my due date but there is still no baby. So I sort of don't believe the baby will ever come anymore because it's just taken so darn long. Thankfully, my sister recently went through childbirth so she is coaching me through this. The tables have turned and she is MY doula now.
So yep, I'm at the point where I've gone in full tilt and am too committed to turn back but I still can't shake all the doubt that creeps into my mind each day. I can do what I've always done when the going gets tough (crumble at the pressure) or just keep working through it while enjoying the process as much as I can. I need to be forgiving toward myself (writing a novel is very very hard) and understand there is no race to finish. I've always been my worst enemy and I am against no one but me. I started this blog two years ago when an idea began to take form in my head. I was pulled toward a direction where I could once and for all fearlessly honor my creative and expressive self and I wanted to document the journey. The hardest thing about my life is admitting to myself who I am and what I want to do (what I am MEANT to do) with my time. Who I was meant to be. I am still answering those questions but I think I am getting closer to the real Christine every day that I wake up and continue writing.
|I was weeding my garden last week and pulled out a radish.|
|Tomatoes are growing.|
|Green beans are flowering.|
|A new favorite dinner of mine: marinated chicken, peppers and mushrooms, rice, and massaged kale salad.|
|Butter coffee...have you tried this yet? Yummy!|
|Edward can finally write his name.|
|After two years of having a chalk board wall that no one used, Edward finally draws on it!|
|We made chocolate Rice Krispies treats.|
|I've added fermented cod liver oil to my health regime. I hope it will clear my skin, remineralize my teeth, and get rid of my pesky PMS symptoms.|
|Babes made dinner for us last night.|
|It was delicious.|
|And of course, I gotta have my tomato and cukes salad. MMM.|